Go read this potty mouth

If I could write something like this, I'd be a millionaire. Ok maybe not, because Jenny isn't (I don't think she is... are you, Jenny?)
For moms of daughters... you gotta read this.

I'll give you a tease, but then you gotta go read the rest yourself. I am not going to be responsible for stomach pains and spilled coffee.

......having 3 little girls...I have changed my tampon in front of them more times than not. It's just the way it is. I think of it as a learning experience.

So, we're in the "big stall" and the girls all go potty first, then I start my process.

As I'm doing my business, I hear one of my evil children say...LOUDLY..."Does it hurt when you put it in?".......

Hurry up... go read it!!!

Oh, and check out her golden babies while you are there, too! Give her Maxwell some luvin's, too, his tummy wasn't feeling well :(

Summer Classes for Men

Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, May 23rd 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 2
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper, The Floor and The Treadmill--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 3
Dirty Dishes--Can They Levitate by Themselves and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples Disproving this Theory on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 4
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 5
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 6
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes..
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 7
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM
Location to be determined

Class 8
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 9
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 10
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 11
The Vacuum Cleaner/Toilet Brush-- What They Are and How They Are Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Got this in my email tonight, had to share it with you all.

Reading it, as funny as it is, I have to say that I am pretty lucky. The husband doesn't need any of these classes, except for the Driving Simulations one, but he'd never pass it. My driving scares him, which is fine by me... I hate to drive unless I'm driving the pickup through an open field or a big mud hole - which he has yet to let me do. *pouts* WTF did we get a 4 wheel drive for anyway if we aren't going to test it out??

We actually get into arguments about the whole toilet paper roll thing, though. Having 2 daughters in those preteen/early teen years - they just won't put a new roll on.. .it just doesn't happen. Mom does this. Why should they? They are nice enough to take it out of the package and leave it on the counter for me. Thats so nice of them. Sometimes they even balance it on the toilet paper holder! That makes me happy - they don't want me to do the extra work of moving it the 2 feet from the counter to the holder.

Somewhere down the line the husband has convinced himself that he is the only person in the house who DOES replace the roll. Forget all the rolls that seem to magically get on there by themselves - the ones he didn't put there. Wonder how they got there? I just let him think he's the only one who does...

... what he doesn't know is I fix the roll when he does it. The paper has to go OVER not under. You would think he would have caught on by now.

I should sign him up for Class #10. He's been asked many times why he even has a cell phone....

Bad Mom, scaring your child like that!

So we are sitting around watching tv last night and some ghost hunter show was on. This is something we've watched before, not a huge deal for an 11 year old, right? She loves the show... she's the one who wanted it on.

So, on the show, there is this plastic red ball. Demon #2 says; "Wouldn't it be freaky if all of a sudden a baseball would fall down the the stairs?".

Being the quick-thinking mom that I am, I say; "You know what would be even more freaky?"

I've got her attention... she looks at me with a big smile waiting for the punchline of the joke.

"If you didn't own a baseball."

It totally freaked her out! LOL She said her stomach twisted and everything. She was afraid to get out of the chair... afraid of the baseball that we DO HAVE.

I know it's mean, but it was funny. I can't believe I scared her like that over something so silly.

Bell Training

If you remember, we taught Saki to ring a bell when she needs to go outside. This is a great thing to train your dog to do... no questioning what she wants to do when you hear the bell ring....

that is; if you don't have a smart dog.

If you have a minimal intelligent dog, go ahead... teach away. If you can get your stupid dog to do it, more power to you! DO NOT teach a smart dog to do this.

A smart dog will use this training against you... to train you.

Bell rings... what does Saki want? You would assume she wants to go outside, right? Not all the time... see Saki learned, real quick, that when she rings the bell - humans come running! So the ringing of the bell could mean a number of things:

1. Saki wants outside to go potty
2. Saki wants to outside and play
3. Saki wants to go for a walk
4. Saki wants attention
5. Saki is bored
6. Saki likes the sound of the bell
7. Saki gets a kick out of watching humans jump to her every command

Now, #2 you can usually tell because she'll look back to see if Chico, the resident Pomeranian, is coming (Chico has no interest in the bell - but he's sort of stupid). #3 you can tell because on her way through the entry way she will reach up and grab her leash in her mouth. The rest of it is pure guessing on the human part.

Sometimes you hear the bell... go to the door and Saki is nowhere to be found. She went off to lay down somewhere to take a nap. I suppose she just wants us to know where she is at all times.

So if you are thinking of bell training your dog... don't. Unless your dog isn't very smart.

How not to parent!

Stolen from - 411 Mommy = An Informed Mommy!

10 Worst Baby Names of 2007 - MSN Lifestyle - Family & Parenting

10 Worst Baby Names of 2007 - MSN Lifestyle - Family & Parenting: "10 Worst Baby Names of 2007
What were these parents thinking?

People like to get creative when it comes to selecting the perfect name for their new arrivals. But in the quest to be unique, some kids get stuck with monikers that do more than make them stand out in a crowd. Here's The Nest Baby's picks for the most questionable choices from the past year.
From The Nest Baby

Ptolemy: The only other one we know of is an ancient Greek astronomer, mathematician, and man extraordinaire. Actress Gretchen Mol reached a little too far back in history for this Mediterranean-inspired choice. No one will be able to pronounce it, and what happens when the kid studies his namesake in school?

Magnus: Sounds too much like a prophylactic, volcanic matter, or a dated albeit then-popular Tom Selleck TV drama. Comic Kevin Nealon must be playing a joke on all of us with this choice.

E-: E...what? You'd think if you had to name your kid after a letter, Jay would be much better than this one, which was selected by parents in Washington. And while we're (grudgingly) willing to accept the use of apostrophes in baby names, we can't say the same for the hyphen. At least not when there isn't any more name to follow it.

Story: Actress Jenna Elfman's pick. It just doesn't make sense and certainly won't start a literary trend. Article, Essay, or Narrative, anyone? Every baby has a tale to tell, just not this way.

Ever: This is an adverb, not even an adjective or a noun, which do okay as names if you're in a pinch. It's going to get confusing when actress mom Milla Jovovich scolds the kid, "Ever, don't ever do that again!"

Heaven Rain: The only good news here: Brooke Burke's two older daughters are named Neriah and Sierra Sky. Though little Heaven's got a pretty lofty title to live up to, she'll fit right in at home.

Alabama: The trend of naming kids after locations obviously appealed to actress Drea De Matteo, but she's not even from the Southern state. We do hope she's going to be called Allie for short and turns out to be good at geography.

Princess: Every little girl is a princess to her parents, but it's a secret nickname. It's also a good name for a little fluffy white dog. Prince pulls off the male version because he's a rock star, but this baby, daughter of model Jordan, is set to be spoiled. (Don't get us started on Tiaamii, her middle name,...)

Evan: Don't go ballistic: Evan is a great name...for a boy. We know many wonderful Evans. But in this case, Napoleon Dynamite star Jon Heder bestowed it on his baby girl. Sorry, it's so not unisex.

Superman: No explanation necessary for why this New Zealand name made the list, but how about the story behind it? The parents' first choice was 4Real (as in, "when we saw him on the ultrasound, we realized he was for real"), but government officials didn't go for it. Mom and dad settled on Superman but insist they'll still refer to him as 4Real. Way to get the last word in.

I hope any of you who named your child one of these choices is offended that I posted this....

Too soon for the road

My parents reminded me yesterday that Demon #1 is 2 years away from her driver's permit. Lord help me... please.

This is the same child that I had this conversation with about 2 years ago:

"Mom, how does the car know when you are going to turn?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"How does the car know that you are going to turn so it can turn the blinkers on?"

And, yes, this is the same child that probably still thinks I've only had sex twice.

Tupperware Party!

Yes, I had one. Yes, I'm partially insane. But hey - if it's free, its for me and having these parties gets you a whole bunch of free stuff, so I do it every now and then.

OK, it's been like 5 years since I've had any kind of invite-your-friends-to-spend-money parties.

We had a good time, really. Honestly, I have never been to a Tupperware party before so it was pretty interesting for me. I was the only one there who had never been to one. Figures. But I won't bore you with the details, except for this one;

I have a friend who lives 3 hours away from me. As a joke I sent her an invitation. Not that I didn't want her to come, I would have loved for her to come, but who is going to drive 3 hours to attend a Tupperware party, right? I was pleasantly surprised to find out she was actually going to order, though! I never expected that at all. I just wanted to send her an invitation just to be a dork.

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day - well the morning anyway. At church the kids put on a "King of the Jungle" program at the 10:30 service. I have never seen a group of kids so enthusiastic about church... it's amazing. I'm so happy we found this church.. My kids love going to church, bible school and these programs. Demon #2 was the "King" in the program and sang a short solo. She has a great voice!

So after church we ran over to the grocery store to pick up milk. We go through more milk, it's crazy. At almost $4 a gallon you would think I'd start rationing our milk supply, but I just can't. My demons will grab a glass of milk over juice or pop any day!

Ran into a friend of ours, a guy I used to work with. I really miss him. I took over his shift at the hotel every morning and we had our morning cigarette ritual to signify the passing of the torch into the next shift. Many many debates were done on the front porch of the hotel! ;-)

Seeing him made us shorten the time I had between church & the party to actually get ready for the party so we cut the visit short and raced home. Started picking up the last minute dirty socks, hairballs and other such ugly things when someone knocks on my door.... it's my friend from 3 hours away! The turd didn't tell me she was coming! LOL I was in shock - so much so I didn't even sound excited, but I was. It was so much of a shock that I just ... didn't really do anything!

Now we know who will drive 3 hours for a Tupperware party!

TODAY'S LAUGH AT MY STUPIDITY

Ok you guys can have your daily laugh at this one -

We lived out in Idaho for awhile, moved there when I was in 5th grade and I moved back to Minnesota when I was in the middle of 6th grade (goofy story that I said "I" - I moved east, my parents moved west... someday I'll explain it. Not today. It's not a bad thing or anything... I wasn't a bad child!)
Anyway. One of my dad's favorite pastimes was driving to Yellowstone practically every weekend and/or through the mountains. It got pretty boring after awhile. So during one of those 1st trips - it might have even been the original move to Idaho, don't remember, he passed the time by telling me an old story about an Indian tribe that lived in the mountains. The Indian chief had a son that went wandering one day and never came back... they never found him. The chief got the governments help to get everyone to watch for him. Call it the first Amber Alert, if you will. Signs were posted everywhere throughout the mountains that this chief lived in that you were supposed to watch for his son... his sons name???




Falling Rock.



True fricken story. I looked for that damn Indian boy for the longest time!!! I was so stupid. And to this day my dad loves to tell that story to anyone who will listen.
For those who have never been in the mountains, there are signs everywhere that say "Watch for Falling Rock".
And to think I love my father more than anything else in this world... I should really hate him after that one.